The Desians Versus the Mary Sues
by Shoebox Dragon
Summary: A Plot Contrivance Circle accidentally sends a crazy fangirl into the hands of the Desians instead of her favorite character. Will the Desians be able to survive, or will they go insane? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

The Desians versus the Mary Sues.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia.**

**Disclaimer 2: **This fic may contain spoilers for the game. You may not want to read it if you havent beaten the game yet.

"But, _Mom_, I dont _wanna_ do my homework!"

Mary Susan Jones was, once again, having a petty argument with her mother over dinner. She really hated it whenever her mother lectured her about the benefits of a good education.

"But, Susan-pie," said Susans mother, Princess SparklyWind Jones, the most beautiful, sparkly-haired mother in the neighborhood. "If you dont get a good education, how are you going to get better at your writing? After all, your grade in language arts is pretty low."

Unfortunately, SparklyWind had forgotten about her daughters abnormally large ego. Susans pale face turned red with raging anger, and her muddy, brown eyes glowed a strange, sickly ruby-sapphire-emerald color. SparklyWind then realized the horror she had released, but it was too late. Susan shot out of her chair, wielding a pasta-covered fork.

"How _DARE_ you say something _mean_ about my _beautiful_ writing!" screamed Susan. She then went on a horrible, screaming, angry review-leaving rampage. Her mother tried to stop her, but the horrible color of her daughter's eyes kept her at bay. The beautiful floral print wallpaper was torn off the walls, plates were thrown against the walls, the table was smashed in two, and, most of all, SparklyWind had began to pull her long, shimmering hair out.

"I cant _take it_ anymore!" cried SparklyWind. I've had enough of your tantrums! Im going to call your father! _He'll_ take care of you!" She then pulled her emergency cell phone out from under the ruined table and started dialing. Susan just scoffed at her mothers actions and walked out of the dining room (after she smashed the rooms ornate chandelier).

Susan stomped into her bedroom and sat on her tiny, twin-sized bed. Her bedroom was decorated floor to ceiling with all types of Kratos Aurion memorabilia. She had posters, figurines, plush dolls, and she even had the walls painted purple. In fact, she had so much memorabilia that her parents had forbidden her to buy anything purple or video game related for the rest of the year.

"My mom and dad are such big _MEANIES_," muttered Susan. "They make me do homework because they're jealous of my great writing skills!" Susan reached under her bed and pulled out a small, cute-looking Kratos plush toy. The toy had big, shiny plastic eyes, bushy, auburn hair-fake, of course-, and it had the purple outfit, complete with sword. Susan then squeezed the toy in an extremely tight embrace.

"Oh, Kratty-chan," whined Susan, as she squeezed the soft, cottony stuffing out of the doll. "I wish that you would come and end my homework-y suffering! Oh, sob! Oh, cry! Oh, _ANGST!_" Susan then started to gnaw on the toy's flat, round eye as if trying to dislodge it. After a few minutes of gnawing, the eye finally popped off and landed right on top of Susan's wide-screen television, which was also painted purple.

Suddenly, a large, glowing, bright blue circle appeared on the television's screen. The circle appeared to have words written below it. Upon closer inspection, Susan saw that the words read:

_**The Amazing Magitechnology Plot Contrivance Circle of Good Fortune!**_

_Come experience a world of wonder and fantasy!_

_All of your dreams will come true!_

_Just close your eyes and touch the circle!_

_**The makers of this wonderful piece of Magitechnology promises you that there are no monsters or Desians waiting for you at the end of your trip!**_

Susan couldn't believe her mind. She stared at the circle, completely oblivious to the fact that her eyes were burning up. She reread the circle's message in her head over and over again. At first she thought of the bizarre, almost stupid end sentence, but then she thought of another sentence. Another sentence that made her smile.

'_All of your dreams will come true'_

Susan let out the loudest fangirl squeal she could muster. So loud, in fact, that the television screen cracked slightly. When it did, the circle turned a dark, blood-red color and the words below the circle changed into a random jumble of nonsense. Then, without warning, a long, red beam of energy shot out from the ruined circle and wrapped itself around Susan. The energy beam actually burned Susan's skin and half of her OMG SPARKLY long hair, but Susan didn't care; she thought her life dream was about to come true.

"Finally," cried Susan, as the energy slowly dragged her towards the television. "_Here I come Kratty-chan! _I'm gonna live with you and leave my big, fat, _stupid_ parents behind!"

With that, Susan was pulled into the television, and she left nothing but a large, smoking hole in the screen.

At first, Susan couldn't see anything at all. However, she could hear a myriad of soft, unintelligible voices, the sound of quick footsteps, and what sounded like water being splashed on the floor. Then Susan suddenly felt like she was falling. She a felt cold, stinging sensation, as if she was running against a strong wind in the middle of Winter.

And then...**_THUD. _**The girl felt a flash of massive pain and then she couldn't feel anything more. She remained this way until she started to hear voices...

"_What is it?"_

"_Is that a human?"_

"_Is it dead?"_

"_Should we cut it open and see what's inside?"_

Susan opened her eyes and saw strange, blurred, humanoid figures around her. She did not know who they were, nor did she know where she was. All she knew for sure was that _none_ of the figures were her "beloved" Kratos. To the dismay of the strange people surrounding her, Susan sat up and looked around. However, her vision was so blurry all she could see was tan-colored walls and nondescript, oblong objects. When she looked down, she saw that she was sitting on a round, dazzling, red circle on the floor. She also saw the blurred figure her Kratos plush doll lying at her feet. She picked it up gently and stared at the strange creatures surrounding her.

"Wh-where am I," said Susan. "Who are you people? Where's Kratty-chan?"

The peculiar-looking beings gasped at the sound of Susan's voice. They started to back away in fear, whispering among themselves. Susan just stared at them in confusion. She rubbed her eyes in an attempt to clear her vision. She then saw that she was in what she believed to be some sort of cafeteria. There were rows of five foot long tables, all of them bare. The floor around her was stained with multicolored food stains and puddles of water. After she scanned the room a second time, she took another look at the whispering people that had backed away from her. And then, she screamed bloody murder. Now that her vision was clear, she saw that she was surrounded by twelve Desian foot soldiers that were clad in blue uniforms, some of which were holding brushes and buckets of water. Without thinking, Susan stood straight up and pointed at the group accusingly.

"You guys are a bunch of _bastards_!" screeched Susan, her eyes glowing the strange sickly color again. "You messed up Kratty-chan's life!"

The foot soldiers stared at each other, and then at the strange girl. They never heard of "Kratty-chan" before in their lives, but they did know that they did not like being called bastards by random little girls with eye problems. The intimidating group slowly walked towards the enraged, confused girl, growling and muttering angrily. In desperation, Susan brandished the Kratos plush toy like a soft, adorable knife.

"Back! Get back, you _MEANIES_!" snapped Susan, as she mindlessly waved the doll in the air, trying to look frightening. The Desians stopped and stared at her. Some of them were shocked and disturbed, others were snickering quietly.

"I like this...thing," said a short, buck-toothed soldier. "It says funny things. Can we keep it?"

"Oh, come on, _Dave_," said a slightly taller one. "Don't you remember what Lord Kvar said about making friends with..."

"_Excuse me,_" interrupted Susan, who had obvious anger in her voice. "Did you say '_Kvar'!"_

"Yeah, I did," replied the taller Desian. "What of it?"

Susan suddenly dropped her plush toy on the icy, solid floor. She started to shake violently and she looked like she was about to have a heart attack. Her blank expression transformed into a look of pure insanity. She bent down on her knees and held her head in her hands.

"I..._HATE_...that _stupid jackass!_" screamed the hysterical Susan. The crazed girl then reacted in the best way she could: by trying to type an angry, all-caps rant. However, there was no computer or keyboard in sight, so she just resorted to pounding her fists loudly on the wet floor. This, of course, shocked and surprised the Desians.

"What should we do!" cried Dave. "If Lord Kvar hears this racket, he's gonna be pissed!"

"The same thing we do to every rampaging moron," replied a foot soldier named Robert. "We restrain her, and pound her head on the floor until she dies!"

"_No,"_ shrieked Susan. "I'm not done typing yet!"

"_What in the name of Lord Yggdrasill is that bothersome noise!_" came a voice from seemingly nowhere.

All of a sudden, the automatic doors behind Susan opened and an ominous-looking man walked into the chamber. The man had gray, unkempt hair, pointed ears, and pitch-black eyes. He was wearing an unique, complex-looking, dark blue suit complete with black pants. Susan stopped pounding her bloody fists on the floor, stood back up, and turned around.

"Ohhh no..." groaned Robert as the strange, annoyed man glared at the eccentric girl standing right in front of him. "Lord Kvar, sir, I, er, _we_ can explain..."

"It's four in the morning," said Kvar, his face twisted in an expression of irritability. "And you fools are having a conversation with a _stranger._"

Kvar walked past Susan and began to lecture the small group of minions about the importance of the night shift and why incompetence is frowned upon. Susan became infuriated at the sight of the Desian lackeys listening to the Grand Cardinal instead of her. She felt the intense flame of anger, jealousy, and her inflated ego grow inside her until her eyes began to water. After five minutes of listening to quotes from the Human Ranch Maintenance manual, she lost it...again.

"Hey, you big, _evil_...um..._Kratos hater!_" exclaimed the big-mouthed teenager, with a slight quiver in her voice. She let out a small, barely audible fangirl squeal and threw her Kratos plush toy at the back of the ranch master's head. "Pay attention to _me_! And let me kick your ass!"

Kvar turned and faced the annoying, toy-throwing stranger. He crushed the doll under his foot and kicked it back to Susan.

"Well," he said in a cold, sarcastic voice. "It looks like we have someone with an attitude problem in our midst."

_**To be continued...**_

( A/N: That was chapter one of my first fic. Chapter two _might_ take a while to write, so you'll just need to wait. Thanks for reading, and review if you want!)


	2. Susan and her Crazy Friend

The Desians Versus the Mary Sues.

**Chapter** **Two: **Susan's Crazy Friend.

**Disclaimer: **Once again, I do not own Tales of Symphonia.

Susan looked down at the squashed, wet figure of her favorite toy at her feet. The doll's remaining eye was cracked, and its left arm fell off when Kvar kicked it. The heartbroken fangirl's eyes began to fill with _sooper shiny _diamond tears and her pale face turned Mary Sue blue in sadness. The tears fell from her eyes, making a loud shattering noise when they hit the floor. She then looked up and glared directly at Kvar, with her hands shaking and her teeth chattering.

"Lord Kvar, sir," said Robert. "Should we perform Offensive Maneuver Alpha on this creature?"

But before Kvar could respond to the night shift worker's question, the girl let out a massive, ear-splitting squeal. The Grand Cardinal and his subordinates covered their ears and screamed in pain and sheer horror. After ten seconds (which seemed like an eternity to the ranch leader and the foot soldiers), Susan finally stopped squealing and grinned evilly at Kvar. Her face had turned back to its normal color and her eyes were tear-free. Kvar and the foot soldiers just stared at her with disgust. Susan coughed a few times, trying to regain her voice.

"_Now_ you're gonna get it," Susan muttered in a hoarse voice. "The Fangirl Squeal Alarm knows no bounds! My friend is gonna teach you _all_ a lesson!"

Suddenly, a medium-sized, bright, orange circle of light appeared between Susan and the Desians. The circle had words underneath it, similar to the one Susan saw. The words read:

_Congratulations!_

_You have successfully used the **Magitechnology Plot Contrivance Circle of Good Fortune**!_

_Enjoy your stay in Fantasy Land _Miss Kawaii Neko!

The circle's light grew brighter and brighter. As the circle glowed, Kvar could hear the intensifying sound of someone laughing and the sound of something slamming against a solid wall. Then, without warning, the stunning, blinding glow faded. The part of the floor that was consumed by the light circle crumbled away, leaving a medium-sized hole. The slightly terrified Grand Cardinal pushed his poorly-coordinated cronies towards the apparently bottomless hole. The cronies jumped in the air as a large plume of what appeared to be fire shot out of the circle, slightly singing their boots.

"She's a demon!" cried Robert. "She's going to send us to hell!"

Then, a small, pink ball surrounded by an aura of strange, white energy shot out of the hole. It flew around the chamber, leaving yellow sparks in the air and making a horrible whistling noise. Susan then clapped her hands twice and the energy sphere stopped and landed right on top of her head.

"This is my friend, Kawaii-sama-chan-Neko!" chirped Susan, pointing to the glowing orb. "You better be nice to her, _or else_!"

The orb started to crack open like an egg. A strange, white, powdery substance poured out of the cracks. Then, a grotesque-looking creature unexpectedly burst out of the sphere. The creature looked like a one foot tall female human. It had gigantic, bulging, hot pink eyes, short, spiky ocean blue hair, short, skinny legs, and long, gangly arms. It was wearing a long, yellow party dress adorned with pink hearts and green smiley faces. Its mouth was twisted in an extremely large, disturbing-looking grin, showing off its small, pointed teeth.

"Hello there! OMG!" the creature screeched. "I'm Kawaii Neko Sugar High! LOL! I like monkeys, cheese, and _sugar!_ LOL!" The beast talked so fast that the irritated, sleepy, and confused Desians could barely understand it. They started whispering to one another.

"What did it say?" asked Dave. "Something about a high bowl?"

"No, no, no," replied a foot soldier named Andrew. "It said something about a _sugar_ bowl with monkey beans!"

"The hell...!" said Robert. "What does that _mean_!"

"And what does 'oh-em-gee' mean, sir?" Dave said, staring at Kvar as if waiting for an answer. The Grand Cardinal growled in frustration and massaged the bridge of his nose.

"I...don't..._know_." he said under his breath. "I don't know and I don't care."

Kawaii Neko jumped off Susan's head and dashed up to Kvar, her eyes glowing brightly. She opened her large, cavernous mouth and pulled out a soaking-wet piece of paper and a small bottle full of black ink. The foot soldiers and the ranch master stared down at her, ready to either run away or to crush her under their feet.

"Do y' wanna find out what 'OMG' means?" Kawaii said in a slow, quiet voice. The Desian lackeys nodded silently, and Kvar shook his head left to right. Kawaii glared at the Desians, her eyes turning from pink to a demonic yellow color.

"Well, _too bad_!" she screeched. "You guys were _mean_ to my friend and now I'm gonna write a short fic that's all about bashing _YOU! _And I'm not gonna tell you what OMG means!" She then opened the ink bottle and smeared her fingers with the black fluid. She began rubbing the ink on the piece of paper, as if trying to paint a picture. In five seconds she was finished and she held up the paper. Her eyes turned back to their original color.

One of the night shift workers reluctantly took the paper from the small girl. He looked at the slimy paper, frowned, and shook his head. He showed the paper to Kvar, a thin line of saliva slipping down his face.

"This thing gave me a headache, sir." said the stupefied minion, wiping the saliva off his face. Kvar took the paper and tried to read it. In one second, he wish he hadn't. The soaked, smudged paper simply said:

_U Suck, LOL! Susan is the best person EVER!_

Kvar felt a burning, stinging sensation in his head. The sheer lack of intelligence in Kawaii's message filled the ranch master's head with thoughts of hatred. He gave his minions a strange hand gesture, signaling them to back away. The cronies obeyed and took several steps back, dropping their brushes and buckets of water as they walked. Kvar then ripped the disgusting piece of paper into shreds. Kawaii's eyes began to fill with pink, sweet-smelling tears as the bits of paper rained down on her.

"You _dare_ insult _my_ intelligence?" growled Kvar, his pitch-black eyes wide open. The enraged and insulted Grand Cardinal raised his foot above the small, shivering girl's big head. Kawaii's wide, toothy grin instantly turned into a frown and she closed her globular eyes. She then began biting her nails and stamping her tiny feet.

"You...thought my fic was stupid!" cried Kawaii, her voice speeding up. "How could you hate it? I am a writing _queen_!" The girl pulled out another piece of paper and bottle of ink in an attempt to write something new, but it was too late. Kvar crushed the small, jittery creature under his foot. To the ranch master's surprise, the creature's body was full of slices of cheese, black ink, and a massive amount of mysterious, white powder.

"Kawaii-chan!" cried Susan, her eyes turning ruby-sapphire-emerald again. She backed away slowly from the Desians and the remains of her friend. The pieces of the orb Kawaii was contained in fell off Susan's head. Suddenly, she let out a small squeal and ran out of the cafeteria via the automatic doors.

"_Seize her_!" Kvar roared, pointing to the automatic doors. "Do _not_ let her escape!" The night shift workers dashed past the Grand Cardinal, Kawaii's crushed body, and the pile of strange powder and ran out the doors.

The twelve foot soldiers chased Susan down the Human Ranch's long, darkened hallways with Kvar close behind them. As the chase went on, the automatic doors that dotted the hallway walls opened and sleepy, befuddled Desians flooded the wide passageways, awakened by the sounds of footsteps and loud, angry shouting. Finally, Susan reached a large, dark, empty room. The room resembled a meeting hall, with several rows of small metal chairs. In the back of the room was a tall, wide, silver-colored podium. Behind the podium there was a large, sinister painting of the ranch master himself enclosed in a bland, metal frame hanging on the wall.

"_I think she ran in here, sir!_" came a voice. Then, fifty Desians poured into the large chamber. Some of them were clad in the standard uniform, others were wearing dark-colored night clothes that they bought from Kvar when they were hired. Kvar himself entered the room a few seconds later, breathing heavily and clutching his chest with his left hand.

"How...is it possible for someone in _high heels_ to run so _quickly_...?" the exhausted Grand Cardinal asked.

"It's simple!" replied Susan. "I can run fast in high heels 'cuz my love for Kratty-chan gives me the power! Oh, and also because I'm a..."

Then, without warning, one of the night shift employees tackled the girl to the floor, grabbed her head, and started pounding her face onto the solid, cold floor. The sound of the girl's rock-solid head hitting the floor echoed through the gloomy assembly room. The eleven other night shift workers cheered and applauded, but the pajama-wearing workers were just staring, bewildered by the violent thrashing. Finally, the attacking night shift worker stopped. Susan's body laid motionless on the floor. Kvar slowly approached the body and nudged its arm with his foot. There was no response.

"_That_," said the foot soldier. "was for making the cafeteria floor _dirtier_."

"_Finally_," groaned Kvar, stretching his arms. "I can finally rest in _peace_."

"But sir," chirped one of the Desian lackeys. "Shouldn't we find out who that girl was, or where she came from?" The ranch manager just glared at the curious subordinate.

"Like I said," replied the Grand Cardinal. "I can finally rest in peace. Now dispose of the body before it starts to rot." He then exited the meeting hall via the automatic doors on the far right side of the room followed by forty-eight of his minions. The two remaining night shift minions picked up Susan's dead body and carried it through a larger automatic door on the left side of the room.

Kvar himself slowly walked down the long, shadowy corridor. His minions had already returned to their sleeping quarters, so he was wandering down the hallways by himself. He eventually reached a small, round chamber that only contained a glowing blue warp circle. The Grand Cardinal stepped on the circle and was instantly teleported to the ranch's large, circular control room. The control room was a massive, circular chamber. Its walls were lined with navy blue monitors that displayed the ranch's status and medium-sized control panels. In the center of the room was a large, round, comfortable-looking levitating chair. Kvar shuffled over to the chair and took a seat. He soon fell into a deep slumber at 4:35 A.M.

* * *

"_Hey, wake up you big MEANIE!_" came a deep, gloomy voice

Kvar growled, opened his eyes, and saw a horrible, sparkly, beautiful sight. His control room was decorated with small, watercolor paintings of Kratos, Kratos plush toys and figurines. Also, the walls were painted completely purple. Kvar looked around the room frantically, breathing heavily with beads of sweat cascading down his forehead.

"_What happened!_" the Grand Cardinal cried. "Who did this? _Who!_"

Suddenly, an image of a strange being appeared on the room's magitechnology projector. The strange being was wearing a black miniskirt and an extremely short purple tank top that had the words "I love Kratty-chan!" written across the center. She had short, spiky, pitch-black hair and had big, sleepy-looking purple eyes.

"I am Raven Susan Moonlight DarkMind," said the gloomy-looking person. "Your big _MEANIE _jackass ranch has been Sue-ified. Prepare to die."

_**To be continued...**_


End file.
